Agenda in Life before I die

Happiness [ X]
Success   [X]
Rapping [X]
Love []
Marriage []
Children []
Making a difference []
in the world
Doing Good in School[/]
Spiritually inclined [X]
Forgiving my Enemies []
Live life like there's no tomorrow []
Performing []
Getting poetry published [/]
Making others feel better [idk]

Fear

Fear of failure. Fear of not making it. Fear of being hurt. Fear of not achieving my goals and realizing my dreams. Fear of never reaching my full potential. Fear of never being in love.

He doesn't know

He doesn't know how much I look at his
profile (not a stalker lol)
He doesn't know how I much I notice him
more than he notices me
he doesn't know how badly I want him to approach me
he doesn't know how hard it is for me not to look
at him
he doesn't know how interested I am in him
He doesn't know this blog is about him
and he'll never be able to guess
he doesn't know how much I admire
his energy
he doesn't know how fast my heart
skips when he comes into the room
he doesn't know how badly
I want to get to know him
he doesn't know how much I think
about him and why he is always staring
he doesn't know how sad I am to find out
he might be leaving
he doesn't know how badly I want to talk
to him but I'm afraid and I don't want
him to think I'm just another girl who likes him
and he doesn't have to work for me
he doesn't know ....but I want him too..
without getting hurt.

Guys that stare part 2

Here's a story about a guy that use to stare at me days on end my junior year of high school I'm going to be as honest and precise with this story as possible. So the story goes like this I use to sit in the cafeteria with my friend Yana and Cedes during lunch. I would always mind my business get my lunch and as I'm walking back to my table this dude who sat in the table in front of me would just stare until I sat in my seat. His table was in front of mine and he was seated with his back facing mine but would always would manage to turn around and look at my face.  So yeah I'm like maybe its just me thinking he's looking he's not paying me any attention. I'm thinking in my head I swear someone is always looking at me lol. That same night he adds me on fb. I'm not putting any names out there. So yeah I post up a status and he always likes it lol. I'm like ok thats cool it's only a status whatever. I put up another status like "you slept on me so now ill be you're worst nightmare."  He decides to comment and say something like oh if you ever need anyone I'm here for you I would never hurt you. This is scary cuz idk this dude from anywhere what you mean I'm here for you? smh people are crazy. But thats not even the crazy part. So yeah he keeps staring in school never says anything just stares and to add to that not attractive at all.  I hate calling people unattractive because beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder but his unattractiveness was too evident.  He'll probably find a good girl but I was not her. Back to the story, the next day he continues to stare for like a period of 2 weeks and he decides to message me on Facebook. He's like wasssup? I didn't want to respond but I was like ill be nice and say hey. He responds: like I see you in school we never really spoke but you bad ass hell and I would be cool if we were only friends. Whats your number? #1 don't say we never really spoke because we never spoke at all and we have no mutual friends what so ever so I don't know you. #2 We would only be friends because you're not attractive and I'm not over exaggerating. It was scary to have someone like that staring on a daily basis. #3 He wrote to me a sif we knew each other like we possibly had a connection that I didn't know anything about that was crazy. But yea this just goes to show how confident unattractive dudes are and are never afraid to make a move when they stare. But the attractive guys never make moves.

Guys that stare

I mean I have been through this a million times in my life. I just feel like getting it off my chest. Why do guys stare? Like continuously days on end? Am I that interesting to look at? It's so annoying. Well not all the time but like if you feel the need to stare so much just speak. Only if you're decent looking of course. I'm not shallow but I do not want to get to know you as more than a friend if you do not even look decent enough to look at. I'm always trying to figure out what a guy is thinking when he stares. I'm in my own world minding my business turn around and a random guy is staring dead in my face wtf do you want? lol It's mad creepy to just sit and stare and not say anything. Especially if we never had a conversation cause that just means you're staring for the hell of it. I always wanted to know why a guy would rather stare at me than speak. It's crazy because the ones that stare that I want to say something never do. But the unattractive, ones that stare are the most bold and confident and always speak. It is so ironic to me that unattractive guys are more confident than attractive guys. I feel like unattractive guys are use to rejection therefore, if you say no they don't care. But it will crush an attractive guys heart if he was rejected. I guess. IDK.  But I don't think I'm that pretty but like some of these guys are too confident. I'm mean the unattractive ones. I can look past looks up to a certain extent. But if you can't even get your hair cut and switch up your hoodie's during the week don't talk to me. lol   Maybe guys that stare are shy. Idk or maybe you're staring in a bad way like why she look like that lol??? Idk what to think when guys stare at me,  I always wanted to know.

Old Me vs NEW ME (reflection) 14-15 vs 17-18

The old me would have been down and sad that you didn't text me back. But the new me did not even notice. The old me would've hit you, fought you and disgraced you for calling me a bitch but the new me will tell you lames such as you do not exist. The old me would care that you stopped talking to me over a period of three months the new me just would not give a fuck. The old me would have cried for getting a C on a test but the new me would just work harder and do better on the next one. The old me would care that you're a fake friend and even care to ask why you changed?  The new me would expect you to be fake because it's human nature. The old me would want to fight you if you were rude. The new me would feel bad for you because you hate yourself thats y you feel the need to be rude to others in order to make yourself feel better.  I won't even ask y you're not talking to me cuz idgaf. The old me would approach you if you were talking badly about me behind my back and be upset. The new me would be happy because it means I'm important in your life and you must be jealous if you feel the need to talk about me. The old me would be surprised if something went wrong the new me would expect it.  The old me would be nervous around you the new me would look at you as a human being. The old me would care about you the new me does not.

I Want that love

I want that love that will last for eternity until were in our heaven beds. I want that love that has our heart beating at the same time. I want that love that makes us have an in depth understanding of one another. I want that love that it is so deep I do not have to tell you something is wrong before you know. I want that love that I don't have to continuously tell you I love you for it to show. That love that makes my heart skip beats every time we meet. That love that makes my private cringe. That love that makes my head feel light and my worries go away. That love that makes me not want to go apart from you in even one day. That love that makes me feel like the world to you. That love that makes you the world to me. That love that never dies. That love that will always survive. That love that God is the force and we are the union. That love that keeps us together. That love surrounded and cherished by our imperfections. That love that I dream of is only a blessing.