Girls you don't have too

Girls you don't have to
send him those freaky
pictures with poked out lips
so he can put you in
the picture
because soon after you took of your
shirt he dismissed ya
told his friends he never kissed you
and now you crying cause' he dissed ya
stop offering your body and start
offering your mind
Girls you don't have too but you do
it all the time
Is like we need a man to feel loved
a man to feel good
a man to tell us how to live like we
really should
Girl you don't have too
go back when he smacks you
but you still lack all the facts

Be who You Are

Find out what you're personal interest are. What makes you happy and what do you love to do? This is something that you should make an activity or hobby in your life. For instance, don't try out for the basketball team because your crush likes basketball players. If you try out for the basketball team just for your crush and you get cut you'll look like a loser. If your crush even notices that you try'd out and if you make it and you suck or you're simply mediocre you still don't stand out and that will not get the attention of the one you like. Or don't become a cheerleader for the football team because the person you like is on the football team. If you treat people like celebrities they will treat you like a fan. Your crush will not even care about nonetheless, pay you any attention. Also, you will lose out on the essence of who you are and what you were born to do. When you try to be someone else's perfect most of the time they don't even notice or appreciate it so you might as well do what you want to do. Most of all you want to be more happy in the end. It's like we go through all these different struggles just to impress people and they don't even notice or care. This is when you fall into feeling down about yourself because you're so busy worried about everyone else and what they think about you instead of yourself.  Most of the time you end up embarrassing yourself when you try to be someone that you are not. No one should feel ashamed if they are behaving this way or they tried to be someone who they're not to get attention or feel better about themselves. There is room for change and acceptance of ones inner self.
This is a process which does not work over night but takes time and practice. My freshman year of high school had the most embarrassing, confusing and funny moments of my life. These moments were so funny and embarrassing but they all made me stronger.

Why are you a Geek in Highschool?

You're a geek because you try too damn hard to fit in and you constantly perceive yourself as a geek.  You care too much about what people think about you and take irrelevant comments to the heart. You're always trying to be somebody you're not or get noticed, just focus on who you are and your dreams stop trying to be someone else's idea of popular or cool. As cliche' as it sounds it's the truth. People perceive you how you perceive yourself and if you see yourself as an outcast, wierdo or geek other people will see you that way. Just be yourself don't try to curse out the teacher because that's what you think the cool kids do. OR don't fight just because you want to prove your tough because if you get beat up you'll just be a bigger geek than you were before. Don't lie about the amount of girls you've had sex with just so no one makes fun of you and you can get people to think you're cool because it psychologically F's you up you go home knowing that you're a liar and a lame. Also, you can lose out on a good person who actually cares about you because you constantly lie about who you are and you attract the wrong people. Ever wonder why you can never find the right person? Sometimes it's because you're not being yourself and the person you're attracting is not compatible with the inner you instead the person you're attracting is interested in the persona that you made up which is fake. So the relationship is always short lived because sooner or later they find out you're not who you say you are. Also, if people find out you're lying you'll just look stupid and no one will respect you. Whilst on the other hand if you keep it real and say you know what I never had sex before i'm a virgin you might find a friend who will appreciate that. Instead of having to lie about who you are to get  friends because if you have to lie to someone to get them to be your friend they're not really your friend. It's that simple. Highschool is like this 4 years of bs curriculum which really doesn't benefit you in the future or prepare you for college. Excluding the fact that you need to do well in order to get accepted into a good university or be somebody in the future. There are different types of geeks however. I know this because I was a geek in high school lol. There's the type of geek that nobody likes at all. For instance the jocks pick on this person just because the person is weak and never stands up for themself. This geek may not be that smart he/she just gets picked on all the time because he's either annoying or easy to make fun of. There's the geek who doesn't know he/she is a geek. This type of geek persistently dick rides the popular people and always tries to be around them. This geek is popular though but still a geek in the mental because the person is not being who they really are or following their actual dreams and aspirations their following other people and not accepting the fact that they can't be other people. This person constantly does what he/she thinks is cool just because others are doing it. You ever realize the biggest geeks get tattoos? It's a compensation for being a corn ball. They're trying to cover up the fact that no one cares about them and they feel like if they follow a trend it will make them seem cooler or more important.  In fact their friends secretly do not respect them and talk behind their back they will never be cool because they are not being true to themselves they always lose. Then there's the smart geek who everyone hates because they're so damn smart and people wish they could be as smart as this geek. This geek always raises their hand in class to answer a question and this person is always the only one who knows the answer. This geek usually gets no love in high school but right after goes to an IVY league college after graduating as valedictorian and becomes the CEO of a fortune 500 company....to be continued

I just want the real thing

I just want the real thing. but I believe my needs may be way too much or my over obsession or over emotional ways may turn potentials away in the future.

Failure

I hate failure so much. It really bothers the crap out of me I always try to put up a fake smile and act like I can get through but it really affects me. I just feel like people will think I lost faith or they want a reaction which secretly will make them feel happy. For instance I feel like when I fail and I show that i'm affected by it it satisfies people. I don't want to satisfy anyone so I behave like I don't care but I really do. In fact, I've been experiencing a lot of failure these days and I don't know how to handle it and idk who to talk too. I hate telling my friends because I don't trust anyone with things like that. I just want to be successful in the long run. These days have been hard. This is really a test I hope I can pass. I know God is trying to make me stronger but I just want to achieve. I'm tired of stagnant progression. I always get a taste of success and then it's like a sike na. I'm tired of that it really hurts me inside. The more I try to go deeper in the seen the more obstacles I have to face. IDK if im strong enough to handle all of this. It's like my life was way better and smoother when I wasn't so much in the deen and I know its Shaytaan's way of trying to get you to lose your faith. I'm still holding on but I do get afraid and sad it's the truth. I'm only human and my mom constantly calls me weak because of that honestly it pisses me off. Like I'm suppose to fail and come out with a bright smile afterwards how is that realistic? I get scared that my dreams and goals will not be accomplished. As positive as I remain these days I have not been receiving positive results. Too many bumps on the road. I just want to be rich and have money. I mean yeah my parents always provide but i'm tired of depending on them I want MY OWN MONEY.  I don't want to be unappreciative to Allah and I try to be as grateful as possible but I just want to move up in life. I'm sick of being in the same spot or having to get a little taste of success and it goes away the next second this always happens too me. Like today I had an interview with TD bank and it was already hard enough to get an interview. So i'm like yeah ill put my best foot forward because I wasn't only doing it for the money I actually would like to work there. I always wanted to work there. But yeah I went through this long process and still didn't get the job and I had a feeling I wouldn't. It's always half way success with me I get the interview but not the job. OR I get the job but no hours. IT's like I can never win and it's really bothering me. I just want to be successful is that too much to ask for? and I hate when people tell me don't worry about it because they're not in my situation and they do not know what it feels like to almost get something ALL THE TIME. I always ALMOST MAKE IT. I ALWAYS GET A TASTE but never the real thing. And that's in everything, love, happiness and success. I just want it all. I'm trying to remain positive but this is rally bringing me down like will I ever make it? I'm tired of dreaming I just want my goals to be reality. Like I hate when I pour my heart and soul out into something and then I get no results. I constantly put my heart and soul into everything that I do and then I still get nothing. Maybe I'm not looking at the brighter side of things but it's hard to when i've been in the rain so long. I mean yeah I know there are people worse off than me but that doesn't make me feel better about my situation. Like I really want to make it I believe one of my greatest fear is failure. Yes my main goal is Janna but I want to succeed on this life as well I want my cake and I want too eat it too. But I guess life doesn't work like that. I guess I also have to work harder and realize my mistakes. I haven't experienced success in a while. I'm tired of half way, maybe's and sorta kind's. I just want the real thing.

Don't accept things that you don't believe in merely because everyone else does.

I realized that sometimes I accept something only because I don't want to be looked at as asking for too much or demanding to much respect. Therefore, I comply with society standards to make things easier for other people. However, certain things seem to eat at my skin Idl if I wear my heart on my sleeve or what but it seems to me that males and females have lost respect for one another.

thoughts

the mind is the heart
the heart is the soul
there's is an absence of logic
when our emotion
is not whole
we feel lost
we feel dumb
we feel old
we feel young
we feel lost hope
because the happiness
never comes
the feeling is in the air
the healing is never there
breeze blowing through the air

Pros and Cons Personality traits from my perspective

Pros                                                            Cons

Loyal                                                          Lazy
Honest for the                                             Insecure          
most part                                                     Impatient
Smart                                                          Hot head which has cooled down
Creative                                                      Dogmatic
Funny at times                                            Argumentative
Ambitious                                                   Defensive
Spontaneous                                               Oblivious
Free                                                             Sensitive
Open minded                                               Clingy
Tolerant                                                       Spoiled
Understanding                                             Quiet
Straight Forward                                          Boring at times
Confident                                                    
Goofy
Serious
Mature
Outgoing
Empathetic
Caring
Hopeful
Optimistic
Humble most of
the time
Spiritual
Religious
Family Lover
Conscientious
Helpful
Calm

Poem dedicated to my twin

This poem is dedicated to my twin who is going through some things it's not completed but its just how I felt and depict her emotions.

walk a mile in my shoes
and you will begin to feel the
blues
not blue as in the color
but blue as in the cruels
the cruelty of life
one step in my shoes
and you take a step
back twice
your heart will be sliced
walk a mile in myshoes
and you will have to pay
a price
walk a mile in my shoes
pay with pain and recieve
no profit
the change is inevitable
the hurt is non stop
the clerk is jerk
flirt in my shoes and get shot
watch one mile
equals one day in hell
feet filled with blisters
trapped in a
jail
tripping over yourself
get back so confused in
the trail

My Dream Last Night

These days I've been having the weirdest dreams like everything that is going to happen to me comes in a dream.  I am so happy but its scary at the same because sometimes I don't want to face reality. I had a dream that a good friend of mine was falling in love with some guy and e really convinced her that he was the one. Then when I was with her something told me that he was just a sweet talker and he really could care less about. Sometimes it boggles my mind how guys can careless about a female and only want to fornicate with her. This bothers me a lot and men wonder why women hate men. Anyways, I have no idea what that portion of my dream meant. Then later in my dream my father was flirting with some lady right in front of my mother and when the lady left he tried to coerce my mother and she wasn't buying it. Then a Jewish priest was praying in Jesus name and his prayer was not answered so he decided to call on Allah swt. That dream was so weird.

Reasons why I'm single and my thoughts about myself from first semester to second

Well, my first year of college is over and now I have been reflecting on my growth, mistakes and things about me which have changed. My outlook on life has definitely changed from when I first entered college until now. I'm reading my old blogs and laughing because of the things I use to say my language has definitely changed and the way I look at certain things has definitely changed. I thought I was such a good person in the eyes of Allah before but I really wasn't and I'm still not perfect and I will never be perfect. Sometimes I shake my head at my past ways like using profanity in my language and being concerned with dating etc. Sometimes we think we are good because of the people we are surrounded with are doing so much worse. I have learned that the company you keep is very important. I will begin to surround myself with more ambitious people who have goals and dreams and actually put them into action. Also, I want to surround myself with spiritual people who are believers and are trying to strengthen their faith. I will begin insha Allah to be the absolute best person I can be in this life so that on the day of Al Qiyyamum my book will have more righteous deeds than bad sins by the Grace of God. I have to put my best foot forward. I  did not do that well this semester academically which I expected because I did not put my best foot forward. I know that I am capable of accomplishing anything that I put my mind too and I am disappointed in myself. But I know I will make it through successfully by the Grace of God. My head is high and i'm ready to achieve my goals as long as God is by my side. I want to cover the reasons why im single in order to assess on the reasons why and by single I do not mean having a boyfriend. I mean engaged because it is known by muslims that dating is haram. God willing I want to get married by the time I graduate or I'm successful financially Insha Allah.

Reasons Why I'm Single

I'm too shy
I'm afraid to open my heart
I'm afraid of getting hurt
I think i'm not good enough at times
It's hard to come across a God fearing person
I do not trust easily
I'm insecure at times
I feel like no one will understand me
I think i'm boring
I may not be able to give the person my all
because Im too busy trying to figure myself out
I always expect my heart to get broken
and if not I usually get afraid when the real
thing comes along
and  I don't know how to handle it
I feel like im detached at times like
love will make me a weak person
Thats about it.

My Closet

middle school yearbook
African lace
Diary
Shoess
Lost style
Spontaneity
Scrap Book
Library