Failure

I hate failure so much. It really bothers the crap out of me I always try to put up a fake smile and act like I can get through but it really affects me. I just feel like people will think I lost faith or they want a reaction which secretly will make them feel happy. For instance I feel like when I fail and I show that i'm affected by it it satisfies people. I don't want to satisfy anyone so I behave like I don't care but I really do. In fact, I've been experiencing a lot of failure these days and I don't know how to handle it and idk who to talk too. I hate telling my friends because I don't trust anyone with things like that. I just want to be successful in the long run. These days have been hard. This is really a test I hope I can pass. I know God is trying to make me stronger but I just want to achieve. I'm tired of stagnant progression. I always get a taste of success and then it's like a sike na. I'm tired of that it really hurts me inside. The more I try to go deeper in the seen the more obstacles I have to face. IDK if im strong enough to handle all of this. It's like my life was way better and smoother when I wasn't so much in the deen and I know its Shaytaan's way of trying to get you to lose your faith. I'm still holding on but I do get afraid and sad it's the truth. I'm only human and my mom constantly calls me weak because of that honestly it pisses me off. Like I'm suppose to fail and come out with a bright smile afterwards how is that realistic? I get scared that my dreams and goals will not be accomplished. As positive as I remain these days I have not been receiving positive results. Too many bumps on the road. I just want to be rich and have money. I mean yeah my parents always provide but i'm tired of depending on them I want MY OWN MONEY.  I don't want to be unappreciative to Allah and I try to be as grateful as possible but I just want to move up in life. I'm sick of being in the same spot or having to get a little taste of success and it goes away the next second this always happens too me. Like today I had an interview with TD bank and it was already hard enough to get an interview. So i'm like yeah ill put my best foot forward because I wasn't only doing it for the money I actually would like to work there. I always wanted to work there. But yeah I went through this long process and still didn't get the job and I had a feeling I wouldn't. It's always half way success with me I get the interview but not the job. OR I get the job but no hours. IT's like I can never win and it's really bothering me. I just want to be successful is that too much to ask for? and I hate when people tell me don't worry about it because they're not in my situation and they do not know what it feels like to almost get something ALL THE TIME. I always ALMOST MAKE IT. I ALWAYS GET A TASTE but never the real thing. And that's in everything, love, happiness and success. I just want it all. I'm trying to remain positive but this is rally bringing me down like will I ever make it? I'm tired of dreaming I just want my goals to be reality. Like I hate when I pour my heart and soul out into something and then I get no results. I constantly put my heart and soul into everything that I do and then I still get nothing. Maybe I'm not looking at the brighter side of things but it's hard to when i've been in the rain so long. I mean yeah I know there are people worse off than me but that doesn't make me feel better about my situation. Like I really want to make it I believe one of my greatest fear is failure. Yes my main goal is Janna but I want to succeed on this life as well I want my cake and I want too eat it too. But I guess life doesn't work like that. I guess I also have to work harder and realize my mistakes. I haven't experienced success in a while. I'm tired of half way, maybe's and sorta kind's. I just want the real thing.